FIVE STEPS TO BECOMING ASSERTIVE
One of my secret pleasures is reading Ask Amy in the newspapers. The things people ask Amy about astound me. I often wonder how some of them manage to tie their shoes let alone bring up a family, have a job, or figure out how to cross the street. Not everyone who writes to Amy makes me wonder in quite that way, but what does surprise me is how many of these problems could easily be resolved with just a little communication.
I shouldn’t be surprised. So many of my clients can’t seem to communicate with their donors, funders, staff, and certainly not with their board members. I get hired a lot to do board workshops, helping the board to understand their roles and responsibilities, including those surrounding fundraising. The ED tells me the board won’t fundraise (or govern. Or both). The board members tell me clearly that they just don’t know what to do.
A little conversation goes a long way here. As it does with family members who also aren’t doing what we want them to do.
There are many types of communication, just as there are many ways to listen. Most articles and books talk about 4 types of communication:
Passive
Aggressive
Passive-Aggressive
Assertive
You don’t need to be a communications scholar to know which is the type that will bring you most success!
Passive communicators avoid conflict and confrontation. Often agreeing when they don’t really agree, passive communicators typically don’t let you know what they mean, think, need. This too often leads to frustrations, anger, and an inability to accomplish that which you need to do.
Aggressive communicators are often argumentative, don’t listen, push their agendas regardless of what others may need or want. Passive-aggressive communicators combine the worst elements of both. The person seems to passive on the surface, but indirectly expresses anger, frustration, or resentment. Sarcasm is one way that people express their passive-aggressive communication styles. Not all sarcastic people are passive aggressive, however.
Assertive communication is something much to be desired. Assertive communicators are clear about what they want and where they stand on the issues. More than that, they are respectful, both in expressing their needs and desires as well as respecting what others need and want.
The Mayo Clinic points out that assertive communication can help you control stress and anger and improve coping skills. But if you are not naturally assertive, it is a skill you can learn.
As with so many things, the first step is to understand your communication style. Whatever it is, to become more assertive, they advise taking these 5 steps:
Use 'I' statements
Practice saying no
Rehearse what you want to say.
Use body language.
Keep emotions in check.
Becoming assertive will mean you are a better manager. More than that, you won’t have to Ask Amy what to do when you face a difficult situation